


everything will be okay (maybe) -REWRITING-

by aviey (orphan_account)



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Betrayal, Cheating, Depression, Homophobia, Kageyama Tobio-centric, M/M, Panic Attacks, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-03-30
Updated: 2020-04-06
Packaged: 2021-02-28 18:14:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,357
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23391535
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/aviey
Summary: "oi, kageyama! are you okay?""yeah.""you don't look okay""yeah.""what's wrong?""i can't breathe"---kageyama is not okay but he ignores it for the sake of the team.(t/w: anorexia, suicidal thoughts, anxiety/panic attacks, depression, self-harm)REWRITING!!
Relationships: Hinata Shouyou/Kageyama Tobio, Iwaizumi Hajime & Kageyama Tobio, Kageyama Tobio & Karasuno Volleyball Club, Kageyama Tobio & Oikawa Tooru
Comments: 11
Kudos: 224





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> hello, this is my first fanfiction ever. i attempted writing some in the past but they never stuck or was just pointless. after rereading the manga and rewatching the anime and based off the latest chapters, i wanted to tell a brutal story of how kageyama came to be. i tend to be serious on these types of fanfictions. the "inspiration" for this fanfiction is inspired how i felt at one point. i never experienced a death of someone close to me but i have experienced losing such a valuable relationship. i'm learning a lot as i go so please be patient. i hope all of you guys enjoy this story because i'm putting my whole heart into this. i'll update as soon as i can, see you in the next chapter.

the sound of the alarm wakes tobio up. he didn't want to get up, he never did. he knew he had practice and that hinata was probably waiting for him, but he would rather be engulfed by blankets. tobio closes his eyes again, waiting just a couple more seconds of isolation. the alarm is still ringing.

tobio gets out of bed, turning off his alarm. his legs hurt, not from soreness or anything. his legs are still faintly pink against his pale thighs, it's okay. everything is okay. the clock reads 05:30, he sighs. he shuffles to the bathroom. the only sound you can hear is his feet dragging across the wooden floor. no wind, no ticks, not even a snore. he was alone like always.

turning on the light was a pain. white lit up the whole room compared to the blackness that engulfed the rest of the house. tobio turns on the water. left is hot, right is cold. the water sputters out the shower head and tobio looks at himself in the mirror. he hated himself.

sighing, tobio starts to strip. first his shirt, bones standing out, taking the attention of his body. tobio should probably eat more but it's okay. next is his sweats and underwear. tobio remembers to be careful because of the throbbing pain. his thighs were still big from all the muscles he gained from volleyball. he hated it. faint pink lines decorated tobio's thighs, dancing across the pale skin. tobio knew the risk of the team finding out but he told himself it was okay cause no one noticed before.

steam took over the bathroom. the water was perfect temperature. tobio went in, the warm water giving him comfort. tobio likes the shower because it reminds of the good parts of his life, before he became the way he was. he remembers his sister, his mom, his dad, and his grandfather. 

tobio leans his head against the tiled wall and smiles to himself. he misses those times. watching movies with his parents, racing with his sister, and playing volleyball with his grandpa. life was so good then, what had happened? 

tears start to flood in tobio's eyes, and he let them fall. the tears and the water blend in perfectly together and trail down tobio's face. tobio closes his eyes and wishes how life could go back to what it was. he used to have so many people in his life, now he's all alone.

after showering, tobio goes back into his room. he puts on the simple black shorts and white shirt that he normally wears for practice. he checks the time on his phone, 05:55. he's early. tobio grabs his bag that consisted of his uniform and school work, and goes into the kitchen. he opens the fridge, revealing nothing but a carton of milk. typical. 

he sighs, noting to go grocery shopping after practice, even though he doesn't eat much to begin with. he pours himself a glass of milk. the cold liquid relaxed his tense body despite the slight bitterness it had. after finishing his drink, he fills the cup with water and walks out the door. he remembers to grab the blue scarf that was draped across his sofa.

it's snowing outside. there's faint light from the street lights. tobio starts his walk. the snow is light and soft. tobio likes it like that. it reminds him of the one white christmas he had when he was younger. pure happiness radiating off him and his family. the smiles on everyone's faces and the conversations. tobio smiles behind his blue scarf, a gift he had received from his sister.

_'Neesan! Wake up!" Little Tobio exclaims excitedly to his sleeping sister. "Eeeeeh, wake up Okaasan and Otousan first" Miwa says, seeping her head further into the blankets. With a grumpy sigh, Tobio goes into his parents room. It was always warm in the room. Tan walls with photographs of the family hung, it made Tobio's heart warm._

_Quietly creeping up to his mother's side Tobio shakes her gently. "Okaasan..." whispers Tobio. "Hm..?" hums his mom, a drowsy smile appearing on her lips. "Today is Christmas, I waited until it was 07:00 to wake everyone up!" Tobio proudly says, puffing his chest out a little. "I tried waking up Neesan but she told me to wake you up first" explains Tobio_

_"Ah, did she?" Tobio's mom says, opening her vibrant blue eyes that were identical to Tobio's. Tobio's mother rolls over to face her husband. "Oi!" she says poking her husband's cheek. "Mmm?" hums her husband, matching the same hum as his wife. "It's Christmas and our little Miwa told Tobio to come wake us up first" Tobio's dad opens his eyes, a little smirk appearing on his face. "Ah,,is that so?" Tobio's mom laughs, sitting up. She picks Tobio up and places him on her lap. "Ah, Tobio you're growing up so fast, I can barely carry you" his mom says pouting. "Stop growing up too fast" she mumbles kissing his forehead. Tobio's dad sits up as well, releasing a loud yawn in the process. "Merry Christmas Tobio, let me go tell your sister the same thing" "But Otousan she's asleep!" Tobio's dad gets out of bed, "Yeah, I know" he says winking at Tobio and leaves the bedroom._

_It was now just Tobio and his mom, he's sitting in her lap and she rakes his hair with her slim fingers. "Look, it's snowing," she points out to the window. "You know, when I was your age I always hated the snow." Tobio's mom says softly. Tobio turns around the face her, "Really? I thought you loved the snow?" He questions, tilting his head innocently. "Mmm, well now I do but when I was younger, I always felt alone. I didn't have you, or Miwa, or even your father yet. I would have to walk alone to school in this weather while your Ojiisan and Obaasan would work." his mother explains looking out the window. "Well what changed?" Tobio's mother smiles now looking down at Tobio "You're father." She says. "He taught me that as long as he's here, I would never be alone."_

_In distance, Tobio hears a squeal and then laughing. Miwa's squeals and Tobio's dad's laugh bounces off the walls. "Come on, let's join them" Tobio's mom says. Without much of a thought, Tobio throws his arms around his mother's neck, inhaling the linger scent of body wash. "As long as you, and Otousan, and Neesan are here, I will never be alone either!" exclaims Tobio. His mother tightens her hold on him and kisses his cheek. He pulls away and stares into her bright, shining eyes. They were filled with tears. "I love you so much Tobio, don't forget that." she says, tears falling from the corner of her eyes._

tobio shudders slightly at the fond memory. he doesn't like to think about them, not anymore. he continues his walk to karasuno. he passes familiar sights that gave him such memorable memories. tobio passes the kunimi house, wincing as he longs to reconcile with him. he passes kitagawa daiichi, narrowing his eyes. he walks passed oikawa and iwaizumi's neighboring houses. the snow was starting to lessen. 

he checks the time again. 06:13 it reads brightly on his phone screen. "kageyama?" tobio's head shoots up to look at the person who calls him. it's iwaizumi, who is wearing his seijoh uniform with a white scarf wrapped around his neck. "iwaizumi-san" tobio stiffly says, bowing to cover his flushed face. "what are you doing out so early?" his former senpai questions. "i have practice but i'm just running early." tobio avoids eye contact and tugs his sleeves down. "do you want a ride?" iwaizumi offers. tobio shakes his head no, knowing oikawa would be accompanying him as well.

"i'm okay, it's not that much farther, thank you." tobio bows again. iwaizumi chuckles and crosses his arm. "oi, i may not be your senpai anymore but that doesn't mean i don't care. come on inside, we'll give you a ride, we don't want you getting sick." before tobio can even protest, iwaizumi grabs tobio by the arm and drags inside ignoring the attempted protests.

"okaasan, i found my crazy kouhai walking to school in this weather, do you think we can take him to school?" a woman with dazzling green eyes comes out of the kitchen. she was very beautiful, a long pink dressed covered her petite body and she had an apron covering her front side of her body. tobio, flustered by the woman's beauty bows, "it's okay if you're not able to, i can just walk" he stutters out. 

the woman chuckles, giving him a smile that resembles too much of his mother's. "of course i can, it's on the way to seijoh anyways." tobio stands up, iwaizumi grinning at him but quickly fades as a voice welcomes itself. 

"ohaiyoo!" shouts a very energetic voice that belong to no other than oikawa tooru. he pauses mid-step, eyes narrowing at the sight of tobio. tobio looks away, suddenly feeling very awkward and unwanted. oikawa and iwaizumi share a conversation, not verbally, but with their eyes. "i can go if-" "no!" exclaims both oikawa and iwaizumi. "i need to get my bag, i can trust you two alone right?" questions iwaizumi, looking rather nervous for the two setters. oikawa and tobio both nod stiffly, taking a seat on the couch.

"so, tobio-chan, what exactly are you doing here?" oikawa question, tilting his head up to look down on tobio. tobio shuffles slightly away from oikawa. "uh, i was walking to school when iwaizumi-san stopped me, saying i was going to get sick so he kinda, uh, forced himself to give me a ride." mumbles tobio, fidgeting with his fingers. "ah, well he did the right thing then." 

tobio froze, disbelief washing over him. oikawa was strangely being nice, too nice for tobio's liking. usually, the challenging setter would tease tobio or just flat out ignore him, but for some reason, oikawa seems civil. iwaizumi's mother walks out the kitchen, apron off and her hair tied into a ponytail. "ready kiddos?" she jokes, lightening the tension immediately. iwaizumi comes back with his school bag slinging around his shoulder. "let's go then."


	2. chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "tobio can't breathe. his heart is going too fast for him to catch his breath. his nails are digging into his legs again, harder this time. hinata will leave. hinata will get tired of him. hinata will hate him."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello again! i hope you're all safe <3
> 
> this chapter gives more insight on tobio's thoughts and a bit more of his past. more plot will be in the next chapter. i hope you guys enjoy and feel free to leave kudos or comment! anything appreciated. stay safe and enjoy <3!!

the car ride was silent. iwaizumi's mother had forced iwaizumi to sit in the back with oikawa and tobio, so there tobio was, pressed against the car door, forcefully looking out the window. to say it was an awkward car ride would be an understatement. 

iwaizumi's mother seemed to be on the phone with iwaizumi's dad so it left the trio in the back in awkward silence. 

tobio shifted slightly, adjusting himself to be more comfortable. he self-consciously pulled his shorts down slightly, covering his legs so his former senpais didn't stare or find out what tobio was hiding underneath the clothing. oikawa had always been more observant of tobio ever since the kitagawa daiichi days, but tobio is just as observant.

tobio knows a lot of things more than people realize. he truly learned to study people the day of his final kitagawa daiichi game. he remembers the chaos that happened after that day. the true feeling of pain and loneliness.

tobio looks out the window where the snow has stopped. he sees students hanging around and talking with their friends. tobio couldn't help but feel envious. he was never able to keep a friend, it was either they pushed him away or he to them. a big chunk of him wants to just reconcile with kunimi and kindaichi, but it's obvious they don't feel the same way.

as they pass the famous park of miyagi, tobio sees the second years walking all together. he sees the big smiles of nishinoya and tanaka while ennoshita scolds him as kinoshita and narita laugh. it was a scene that put a smile on tobio's face. 

suddenly he felt a stare on him. tobio's eyes shift from the outside world to the reflection of oikawa. tobio's smile quickly fades as he remembers that his smile was deemed creepy to everyone.

"what?" tobio questions, still looking at the reflection. "you were smiling" oikawa simply states, making eye contact through the reflection. tobio flickers his eyes down to his lap, "yeah, i know" tobio mumbles.

"why?" "i don't know, just saw the second years in my team," tobio trails off, making eye contact to oikawa now face to face. from his peripherals, tobio can see iwaizumi listening in. oikawa narrows his eyes at tobio, observing him as if he were under a microscope.

"i'm just jealous of them, i guess" he whispers under his breath. tobio doesn't even know why he is opening up to them, it's not like they even care about him. "are you jealous because you don't have friends like that?" oikawa asked, genuinely being serious. it made tobio fidget a little more.

"oi, oikawa don't push it" iwaizumi warns gently, careful to not interrupt his parents' conversation. oikawa hums, pulling out his phone and forgetting the conversation. tobio looks down to his lap again. nails were dug into his skin leaving a mark. rubbing his legs, he looks out the window again. "yes." tobio whispers. 

both oikawa and iwaizumi look at each other before looking at tobio. "you guys should know i don't have friends like that," tobio says resting his forehead against the window, closing his eyes as the coldness is met with skin. "what about chibi-chan?" 

ah hinata. despite meeting and re-meeting on bad terms, hinata hasn't left tobio yet. tobio sighs, he feels tears well up in his eyes. "i, i don't know," tobio stutters out, suddenly feeling anxious. "he hasn't left yet but it's only a matter of time," tobio spits out.

he feels stupid for letting someone into his life again. he can't let it happen. hinata will leave him, find someone else. a better partner. tobio isn't good enough.

tobio can't breathe. his heart is going too fast for him to catch his breath. his nails are digging into his legs again, harder this time. hinata will leave. hinata will get tired of him. hinata will hate him.

"tobio!" iwaizumi screams. the car is silent. iwaizumi's mother stopped talking, staring at tobio. iwaizumi is staring at tobio. oikawa is staring at tobio. everyone is watching him. tobio feels like the whole world is watching him. he needs to leave. they're at a red light. he can go, he can leave. breathe breathe breathe. he's okay, he's okay.

without thinking next, tobio unbuckles his seat belt, grabs his bag and swings the door open "tobio!" shouts his former senpais. he needs to leave. "thank you for the ride iwaizumi-san, i can walk." tobio bows quickly. "wait, no come-" and with that tobio slams the door and runs.

he runs to school. he can't breathe. the scarf around his next seems to be choking him and holding back. the air is freezing but it burns tobio's chest. slow down. he can't. faster faster. he sees the gate of karasuno. he's almost there.

"kageyama!!" shouts at him. it's hinata. no. no. no. hinata starts running side by side, thinking about their daily race. race. miwa. race. the hill. almost there.

_ "Ready?" Miwa asks, bending down to tie her shoe. "You know I'm not going to go easy on you?" She says, looking a bit smug. _

_ It was a hot day, the sun was beaming down without a concern of clouds as the sky was filled with blue. "i wouldn't want you to," tobio says, equally smug. Miwa hums, getting up and tightening her ponytail.  _

_ It was time for their daily race. The steepest hill in the town as the obstacle was pure craziness. Their parents were up on the very top waiting for the winner as Tobio's grandfather, Kazuyo Kageyama was down playing referee. Kazuyo puts his hands on his grandchildren's shoulder. "Ready?" The two kids nod, facing the hill and getting into position. _

_ "Ready," Kazuyo starts. Tobio bends down, placing his foot in front of the rest of his body, "Get set," Tobio looks at his sister. Determination was written all over her face and slight sweat was forming due to having bangs. Her hair was pulled back into a high ponytail, making her natural features stand out. "Go!" shouts Kazuyo. _

_ Pushing himself forward, Tobio runs. He runs with every fiber of his energy. He didn't like to lose. The hill was steep, but the only thing Tobio could tell himself is to go faster. His parents' faces were getting close to him. The sun was beaming on him, sweat dripping down his forehead. He's almost there. His sister is slightly behind by an inch or two. Her blue eyes staring at Tobio, wondering how someone so much younger is so much faster.  _

_ Almost there. Tobio can see his mom's short hair and his dad's tall structure. He wants to win! He can see his mother's eyes, the one identical to his. He can see his dad's wide smile, cheering. He's right there. He doesn't know he's there until he feels a hug from his mom. "You did it! My baby won!" His mom says, sweeping his hair to the side. "You won!" _

hinata ended up winning the race. “ha! i won! now it’s 42-41” hinata says smugly with a grin. tobio rolls his eyes, “you only won cause my scarf was too tight.”

tobio wasn’t necessarily lying, his scarf truly was tight against his throat. “eh, excuses,” hinata teases. “whatever, let’s go in.” 

entering the club room was nice. it was warm and comforting. sugawara, sawamura, and azumane were already in there waiting for the other members. “ohayo!” hinata’s piercing voice shouts, capturing the attention of the third years. tobio nods at them as his greeting and they all greet back. hinata goes into the locker to place his stuff down. his energy was too much for tobio since it was still early in the morning. 

“Ugh, do you ever not have energy?” questions a voice entering the room. tsukishima walks in with yamaguchi trailing behind him. yamaguchi chuckles a little, hiding it behind his hand while hinata argues with tsukishima. it’s always a funny sight to see tsukishima and hinata argue because they’re just so opposite from each other with personalities, volume, and especially height.

as soon as everyone else enters, tobio tends to be drowned in the background. he never was able to communicate with others as hinata was able to. tobio never had someone who was willing to stay with him. he used to have kindaichi and kunimi, in fact, those two were his best friends. it ended though, tobio always knew it would regardless. it was always kindaichi-kunimi and tobio.

kindaichi and kunimi were always inseparable. they knew each other since they were toddlers. tobio knew that they both really did try to include tobio but a duo wasn’t meant for three. as middle school progressed, so did kindaichi and kunimi. the duo would constantly hang out after practices and have sleepover and tobio got to hear all of it. tobio had to just pretend to be fine with it and cherish the moments he had with them during volleyball practice. it was up until “the king of the court” drama took a toll amongst the trio and broke the friendship. 

tobio sighs quietly, following the rest of the team to the gym. he noticed he was still in the background, like a secondary character. it’s okay. tobio is used to this by now. 

the air was still cold outside. all clouds seemed to part as the sun shined happily. the light snow was now gone, exposing the mist grass. it was refreshing and calming. tobio inhales the cold air and lets it travel down into his body, the cold evaporating all over his body. tobio walks into the gym, ready to go to do the one thing he feels happy doing. the sport that he doesn’t feel alone playing anymore.


End file.
